Procrastination is usually not my middle name, but it sure is right now. I'm supposed to be reviewing sequences and listening to Bach. Technically, I AM reviewing sequences... while watching Chopped and texting three people and organizing my life and making tea and sending Snapchats. By the way, shoutout to my friend Matt for introducing me to Snapchat. Leave it to the AIMSers to make me go back on my solemn word never to get Snapchat. My selfies may not be that great, but I'm trying, y'all. Anyway, I'm currently texting my little in Women's Chorale, and she sent me some incredibly encouraging words. I cried. Her words were so full of the grace and promise of God. They've inspired this post.
I'm learning more and more about walls. For example, le mot "wall" en français est "le mur." But that's not where that was going. One thing I've discovered is that no matter how hard you try to hide whatever it is you're hiding, people see.
They see you.
Depending on who you are, I think that could be either terrifying or liberating. Some people don't want to be seen. They're afraid of rejection if they reveal who they are. That's why they build walls, after all. But here's the deal, y'all: no matter how hard you try to avoid pain by sheltering your beautiful self away from the rest of us, your wall has chinks -- and light shines through them. You cannot hide the person that you are. That person will always seep through, like water under a closed door, like light through closed window blinds. If you feel like you're successful in hiding, then let me be the first to tell you that you're wrong. You are seen. You are known.
Personally, this fact overjoys me. I am elated. I've spent time trying to protect myself from rejection (I'm no different than the average bear). Hence stems my current obsession with vulnerability. What I love so, so much about the person that I was created to be is that people know her. They see her, even when I can't. And I don't, most of the time. By the way, your family and your close friends aren't the only ones that see your heart. Your heart shines through. You aren't aware of it because you live with it all the time. But everyone else sees.
That's what's so comforting to me, I think. I've wondered many times if I'm too guarded, if I appear too closed to people. I think everyone does, sometimes. But I love the fact that people see the me I know myself to be. It's such an encouragement to me. It's a reminder that I don't have to try so hard.
It also reveals to me that I don't have to try to hide. Neither do you. People already see you, and since they still hang out with you, they obviously like you just fine. You are lovable because Christ loves you. Hiding is useless. You can let the wall down; it's okay. It's not really hiding anything, anyway.
Maybe this post was a procrastination, too (seriously, I'm getting nothing done). But I needed to write it, if for no other reason than as a reminder for my own unquiet heart. I can't really think of a good closing for this, so I'll leave you with the quote that's gotten me through this day:
"There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind."